The traffic going in is horrendous, I'm hugely proud of the way Kim has morphed into a local driver, swerving around hundreds of overloaded mopeds, bike carts, bikes, cars muppets who just veer out into the road and huge, and I mean HUGE pot holes all amid an utter cacophany. I do my best to navigate using the phone screen but it's not easy when you're following a road that just stops or my favourite, a little hand written sign which says "sorry there has been a wedding". we turn a blind corner and the Bride, Groom and a hundred or so guests are sitting enjoying a meal at tables set out down the middle of the road. In a village you could maybe understand it but Phuket has a population of nearly 390,000 + 1.7 million tourists (Jan to April) to move around...... Getting married? having a birthday? Sure, just close the road and sit out there, don't worry about diversions etc.

Patong is one of those places that illustrates how you need to be careful what you wish for. The Thai are a very hospitable people and I'm guessing generations of tourists have asked for Girly bars, cheap drinks, easy access to an oily handjob, all night partying. The main "Tourist Walkway" through Patong is lined with probably hundreds of Girly bars. Brightly lit, the bars extend back from the main drag (Drag....get it?) each topped with dozens of poles at which young girls mechanically girate in those skimpy knickers that disapear up their bottoms. I'm glad they don't serve crisps here is all I can say. The noise is remorseless and one can choose, if one so desires, to have ones Gin and Tonic served in a bucket. Glad we came, glad we saw it but will be glad to move on methinks.

During the day you can see what attracted everyone here in the firstplace, the bay is stunning, lovely white sand the texture of flour and ridiculously warm sea that varies from the lightest blue to emrald green. For us it's just too busy.

There's a beautiful little "boutique" hotel next to the faceless shithole we're staying in. Pissed off with the endless racket that's Patong central we wander into this place where the bar is deserted, order a couple of drinks and try a conversation with the lovely woman behind the bar. Turns out she makes 14,000 baht per month (300 quid or so) for working 12 hour shifts 7 days a week. She is a single mum and raises her daughter on this scant income. Because of the tourist numbers and spending power it's becoming impossible for her to make ends meet as comodities increase in cost without reverting to some of the seedier career choices. If she does "Boom boom" with tourist or "special massage " she mimes a wank, I pass her a hanky and she disolves in laughter....Her income could rise to 20,000 a week but "what would that tell my daughter?" She plans to move to Bangkok soon where ironically the cost of living for Thais is lower.

She tells us a lovely story of life at the hotel.

For two years running a very attractive lady stayed at the hotel with a gentleman, last year they were sitting at the bar together when another man turns up.....The Husband!

She graps a bottle of Creme de menthe from the bar and mimes someone whacking somebody across the head with it.

"hitting, hitting" she says, then they roll outside in the street

"Boxing Boxing" she says, miming a fist fight.

"Then the man, he is schu-leeping"

"Schu-leeping" we say???

"Yes he is schu-leeping"

She places both hands, palms together and lays her cheek on them like a child showing how she sleeps.

"Oh! sleeping" we say.

"Yes he is schuleeping two weeks"

"Two weeks??!!"

"Yes, he is schuleeping two weeks......In hospital"

We leave her a very big tip and go pack for Bang tao beach....our next stop.

This is good as it means all the wonderful restaurants outside always have a table. 200 metres from the resort gate is a place called "Beach Cuisine" you maybe able to google it. The place has the kind of view that in Europe would signify a 50 quid price tag to sit down and order water. We sit here with a cocktail and watch Bang Tao beach light up. Everything here is cooked over charcoal, Kim has some lamb chops which make her cry, I get half a dozen huge, fresh barbequed shrimp. This place is amazing.

We have a 3-4 hour drive off of Phuket through Phang Nga province to Krabi. Stopping off on the way at a small nature park at Hat Noppharat Thara! cut into mangrove swamps with pools for swimming in some ridiculousely clear water ..........past Klong Muang, Mook Thalay, Tab Kak Hang Nak.....I'm not making these up, honest! as the temperature runs up from a cool 30 degress to 37 when.....

We get to Ao Nang and the Golden beach resort just in time to put in a load of laundry have a lovely Whatsap catch up with our mates Derek an Terry through a barrage of Ciccada noise and get a drink and a meal before the sky opens for the daily deluge