Chaing Rai

Its an hour and a half to Chiang Rai and we stop for coffee and a cake. The difference in cleanliness and standards is so marked between Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia and here we almost weep for the pleasure of it.

Chiang Rai is a beautiful little town, night walking (pedestrianised) markets every night where you can buy food off mum and dad stalls. Chicken, sausages, kebabs, hot sour spicy soups and salads made in front of your eyes. A lady points to the salad items, cucumber, carrot, tomato, that spiny thing, bean sprouts, green mango. Then, with a pestle and mortar she makes the dressing looking at me before dropping in ingredients, a little more dried shrimp, less chilli, more lemon grass, fish sauce a mighty squeeze of lime, christ it tastes magical.

We find tables, open our lao beers and tuck into our meal. We’re in the town square, there’s a band, dancing, people come by to share our table in the packed centre we’re, back in love with thailand already.

There are a number of beautiful temples here and a botanical garden and culture museum and we spend a couple of days taking them all in while trying to organise travel to Phayao.

The travel bit is complicated by the fact that we’ve been pronouncing it Fayo, whereas actually it’s the sound kids make when a bullet misses while playing cowboys and indians Peeeow!!

The temples range from the ancient to the downright spectacular white temple. Frankly I can’t recall seeing anything like the white temple in my life. It looks as if it’s been lifted direct from JRR Tolkiens mind. Bizarrely, inside, instead of the usual paintings from the life of the Buddha we have micheal jackson, president Bush and Osama riding a missile, the wooky from star wars etc. A weird and wonderful place.

We end up with public bus tickets to Phayao, it’s a bit of a ram shackle old vehicle but lt leaves dead on time and drops us at Phayao town centre and we make ourway to the lake which is the towns claim to fame. It’s a huge, fish packed body of water. Stunning at most times of day, early morning, carpeted with mist or evening as the sun sinks into the hills and jungle on the far shores. A day by the lake followed by some wonderful thai food followed by a day in town at the incredible thai market and we feel about ready for the trails to come.

We’ve booked our bus tickets to Chiang Mai, even now my sister and brother in law will be boarding a train in Bangkok to make the journey to chiang mai to meet us. Kim snatches the knife from my hand, takes the noose from around my neck, coaxes me down off the chair, closes the balcony window, pours the neat bleach from my drinking glass, tips the 4 packs of paracetemol down the lavatory........

”it won’t be that bad” she soothes.

Chaing Mai

We’ve been to chiang Mai twice, loved it. In the last decade however it has earned a reputation for being the most polluted city in Northern thailand. Fact is it sits in a valley surrounded by mountains and fumes from the ever busier streets can’t escape, couple this with the almost constant burning of land and crop clearance and you can pretty much taste the smoke when you get off the bus.

Our taxi driver is clearly stoned, he burbles merrily about mushrooms as he takes us to the wrong place, cackles happily on about this fucking smog until we track our way there using Kims sat nav.

He swerves merrily away and we settle into our room prior to going on a 15 mile hike to find a shop which will sell something in the “bubbly direction” for the relations arrival.

Chiang Mai is still a beautiful city. The old town in particular has a real atmosphere about it and the night markets with their food courts, live music, dancing etc are an utter joy. Exhausted and hungry after our walk we decide to “just go in the next place” It’s a pizza place! Probably the best wood fired pizza of my life on a balcony overlooking one of the old gates to the city, hard to beat!

I have this memory, my sister Janet is looking back over her shoulder, her face framed by the rear window of a taxi, she’s waving to me, my top lip won’t stop shaking.

I’m wearing my school uniform, grey blazer and cap with green and red badges, white shirt, red and green tie, long grey socks and black shorts, I’m what?..29? No I’m 9 years old.

My mum is crouched in front of me, hands on my shoulders her lovely eyes level with mine as she looks into my face...

“What, forever?” 

"Yes, she’s going to live with Pete now”

“For always?”

"Yes she’s going to live with Pete forever”.....

"So......I can have her room?”

Zoom forward 53 years, my sisters' face is framed in the rear window of the cab as she and Pete pull away from the Khao Lak Orchid hotel.... she looks back over her shoulder waving.......I turn to Kim....

“Thank fuck that’s over”

My boutique Lodge in Chiang Mai is a little oasis. A small pool bordered by palms. Comfy rooms with little balconeys on which we can sit in the evening for a G&T, lovely. Kim and I sit by the pool with a coffee we await the arrival of the travelling Rennies, bubbly chilling in the fridge.

They have been in Bangkok, up to the burma railroad then back again and travelled overnight 14 hours to meet us here. We hear a cab pull up and a fierce argument develop over 3 baht (0.07 pence) change for the fare. Eventually they round the end of the palm hedge and spot us.

In a short 10 days in Thailand pete has gone native. He wears an electric blue smock presumably knitted by a mountain tribe, I look for an earing as he says..

"Hey man, cool hangout, maybe we can score some hash later”.

My sister says ...

"Hello our John, where’s the toilet”

Three weeks suddenly feels like a long.....long....time.

Pete has learned 2 thai phrases

"Chan Ca Hi khun ha bath” ......I will give you 5 baht (0.12 pence) and

“Khun mi Rakha thuk ing him” .....Have you got anything cheaper.

My sister has memorised  “Hangna” toilet...... which she pronounces...

"ANGGG-Narrrr"

We take them to check in.

“Good morning Mr and Mrs Rennie, we’ve been looking forward to your arrival” says the receptionist in perfect english.

Pete “Chan hi khun ha bath”

Receptionist: “pardon?”

Pete: “Khun mi rakha thuk ming him”

“AAANGG- Narrr” says Janet

“It’s ok” we say, they’re with us.

We pop the bottle of bubbly it took us 8 hours to find yesterday and drink it in around 4 minutes.

On the walk from the hotel to the river there’s a fantastic market which sells just about anything you could want from doilies to deep fried dog. We buy fresh green coconuts which get chopped open with a machete and we drink the beautiful clear sweet milk. If you’ve been bought up on the dried out husks we get in the UK these are a revelation, the soft succulent meat is just amazing.

It’s seriously so lovely to see Jan and Pete, it makes us realise how much we’ve missed home. We get on so well with them that we fall into a little rhythm of rest and checking out the city, beer o'clocks and time for some street food effortlessly.  We have next door rooms at the hotel and spend the early evening over G&Ts listening to our music on ipad.

”Got any bodacious grooves man?” says Pete

”like?”

”The Searchers or some moody blues, .....man those cats just slay me baby” he snaps his fingers, hep cat style.

Pete and I prop bars while the girls shop the market stalls. While we’re here the thai elections happen. In Thailand it’s illegal to sell alcohol from 6pm to 6pm on the days 1 week before the election so the populace can be sober enough to drive home to vote and from 6pm the night before the election to 6pm the following day when voting closes.

The travel day is on March 17th, St Patricks day. For entertainment we make our way to an Irish bar.

"Oi mean, you fekin tell me what the fekin point is. Me fekin cooostomers is all fookin western, dey can’t fekin vote, and yet I can’t sell dem de fekin black stuff cos it’s a fekin election, it’s me busiest fekin day fer feks sake”, says the owner as he brings our cokes.

Such is our panic that alcohol won’t be sold for 24 hours, 10 of which we may be awake, we have laid in supplies. We have beer gin, tonics and jack daniels in the room.

We needn’t have worried. Making our way back from a trip round old town we come to a bar, tea seems suspiciously popular at 7:30 pm. Most tables are occupied and covered with tea mugs. Kim sidles up to the manager,

"any beer" she whispers.

"No, but we have got cold tea"  he winks and Kim beckons us in. A couple of pints of 'tea' later we wend our way back home.

St Pats night is a blast, 20 minutes to 6pm and the staff are lining the bar with beers, 6 on the dot and out they come and the band starts up. We have a lovely meal out under the stars in the garden listening to that fiddly diddly nonsense the Oirish like to call music. I get roped into joining in with the band and had to sing a song I've never heard of before but try my best. Went down very well much to my embarrassment. Kim loves to film my embarrassing moments, bless her. She will bring this up sometime in the future long after I have successfully wiped it out of my memory!

Kim loves an elephant, apart from “swim up bar” and “Happy hour” elephant camp is her favourite phrase. There’s a wonderful rescue camp here and we’re all picked up in the morning and en route treated to a heart breaking film demonstrating the “crushing” methods used to tame elephants. If you’ve ever ridden an elephant (I’m now ashamed to say we have) or gone to one of those bloody shows where they do tricks, play football...they do not fucking "Love it" ,they have been systematically starved and brutalised until they learn how to behave. We will never visit one of those places again.

The park itself is just wonderful. We’re given the tour by a fantastic Brit speaking guide who can tell us the history of all of the animals here, most of them quite tragic. Nontheless the close interraction we get with the creatures is hugely rewarding. I get more out of watching Kim to be honest, she’s so obviously entranced by these animals she can hardly keep still. I have to virtually drag her away from every interraction.

We have such a great day at the elephant park watching them cavort in the river, dust bath, mud bath etc. We’re tired and very very dusty when we get back and drop into the pool then make our way to the night market for pancakes, barbeque and beers....tough life!

We’re going to hire a car. Pick it up at Chiang Mai airport then drive the Mae Hong Son Loop. About 600ks and 1864 bends through the mountains of northern thailand. It should take us around 6 days given the tortuous route.

Collecting the car is a bit of a laugh,

Pete wants a “jazzed up set of wheels man, something fly baby, something that rocks my image,  somethin’ to turn the chicks heads, groove to my jams, a groovy mobeel”

We settle on a Ford Focus.

“I will give you 5 baht” says pete to an incredulous clerk,

“do you have anything cheaper”

.....”Angg Narr” chips in Janet...

To get into the airport and find the hire office we’ve had to go through security check, belts and shoes off, watch off, bags through the xray machine, walk through the metal detector.

Papers signed they take us outside to show us the car and wonder off.

“Hang on, we don’t know how to start it”

“ANGG-Narrr” says Janet

We try to go back into the airport.

“No, must clear security”

“But, we’ve only just....”

"must clear security”

Belt off, watch off, shoes off, wallet, bag through xray machine....

We know how to turn the bloody thing on, what fuel does it take.......

Belt off, wallet out, watch off, shoes off, bag in xray.

“AnNNGG- Narr”...contributes Janet.

While we’ve been doing this Kim has been trying to organise a Thai SIM so we can have sat nav.

It’s not working. She has to go into the airport yet again...

Belt, shoes, bag, watch xray...

Jan Pete and I are sitting in the car. It’s an international airport, a security guy taps the window with a night stick. Pete winds down the window.

“Do you have anything cheaper?” he says in perfect Thai.

“ANNG-Narr” adds Janet

“Move on” says the officer.

"We need to wait for Kim, I’ll jump out and wait here, you pull back in a 100 meters down the road".

My sister over the years has developed a voice which sounds like a very gently squeaking door hinge, or that floorboard on the landing between my bedroom and the one my girlfriend is in......"Because we'll  have none of that malarkey while you're under my roof".....

It's lovely except when....

“John ask him how far we should go..... pete, do you think we should go down there?......is that a car park?... perhaps we should go down there..... john?....our john, ask him, do you think he’ll understand?..... how far does he want us to go?........ I mean, we have to stay here don’t we?.... he can’t expect us to just leave....... do you think he wants us to leave?...... tell him......we’re waiting for someone.....John..... our john...

I’ve just come to pretty good terms with the police officer for his handgun and 3 rounds when Kim gets back, we bundle in the car and let the adventure begin.

On the road again!

We’ve chopped the loop into sections, each one involves 2.5-3 hour drives through pretty mountainous areas.

First stop is Phai (Pie) It takes quite a while to get through the outskirts of smoky old Chiang Mai but pretty soon we’re in the smoky old Phai gorge. It’s a twisty old road alright, through densely forrested hills with hairpin after hairpin.

Finally we cross the bridge over the river Phai and pull up at pour guest house which is really nice and comfy with a good pool and so we head out looking for some beers and food.

There’s plenty on offer in Phai as it’s turned into a bit of a travelers spot and there are plenty of bars and restaurants to cater to them as well as a good walking market. The town itself is really nice, compact with a friendly feel to it.

Next morning after some coffee round the pool we head out to look at some local sites, the old bridge, a “land split” a fault that opened up in an earthquake in 2011.

A stunning local temple followed by some thai food in a local foodery back through town to the giant Buddha and standing mesmerised by the deafening cicadas in the trees which surround it.

May Hong Son

Our next stop is Mae Hong Son and we have another long drive through the mountains. We set out early as we want to stop at some hot springs. It’s a really stunning place. Tucked under the forest canopy a wide river flows down a couple of short falls and gathers a couple of feet deep in some hollows, the water is bath water hot. Wallowing there under the trees surrounded by bird sized butterflies watching the mist slowly disolve from the mountainside forests is a memory I’ll keep for a long long time.

Back on the road and truth told, a lot of the scenic beauty is lost due to the constant burning up here. We pass a number of fires and whenever we stop the smell of smoke is thick in the air and a haze hangs over the countryside. We still get some wonderful views mind.

A lot of coffee gets grown here so a wonderful place to stop off and top up with caffeine. One such is the 124 coffee bar and grill. In the middle of absolutely nowhere. We come across this place with proper bacon and ham sandwiches, great coffee and tea. I’ve absolutely no idea how it comes to be here but we’re very glad it did!

The little town of Mae Hong Son is kind of sleepy. A wander down to the lake at the town centre rewards you with an amazing view of Wat Jong Klang all lit up like a fairy tale castle reflected in the still waters.

We tour around the place next day and then make our way up hill to wat Phra Tat with it’s stunning views over the town and surrounding countryside. The temples here are lovely, mostly Burmese in design and origin, they differ from the typical Thai temples and it’s lovely to see the ornate decoration and to look around the burmese museum exhibit at Wat Klang.

Today is election day and paniced by the thought of 6 waking hours without beer we’ve bought in a supply. Eating some lunch in a little restaurant we mention the booze ban due to be in force that night.

“Can we bring our own”

“Yes”

“Good oh”

That night we arrive put our beers in the big fridge in the restaurant and start ordering food.

“We’ll have a beer now” we say.

“No can sell, we have erection”

“Lucky you, but it’s our beer”

We have a whole lot of explaining to do to convince them that it’s our beer and a mere 4 hours ago they said it would be fine for us to drink our own, they of course, act as if they’ve never seen white people before. We offer to sit out back or drink out of mugs....

“No it’s ok”

10 minutes later...

“You mind sitting out back?”

“No pwobwem”

Breakfast is interesting, we’re handed a number of cards. On each is a menu choice, chicken curry, rice soup, fried egg, omelette. Youn simply give the lady the card of choice and she prepares the item of your choice. Such is her skill with the egg pan that the next day we all have fruit.

Mae Sariang

Another long and winding road. When we get to Mae Sariang it is freakishly hot, a wind is blowing that feels hot enough to cook stuff. The Hotel “Above the Sea” is one of the weirder establishments. Everything is brick faced, sliding doors have trowels for handles, a rope serves as wardrobe, still there’s a lovely bar opposite which over hangs the river and we have a cool pool in which to wallow away a couple of hours until suns set.

The plan is to visit the street food market but as darkness falls there’s a power cut. Everything is out. We schlep around the market in candle light. It’s probably advisable to be able to at least see what you’re eating in a Thai streetfood market so we wander around out of interest but eat in the place opposite. It’s a pretty lovely setting in candle light and they make us a fine dinner. Off early back toward Chiang Mai and the last stop on the loop in San Pa Tong.

San Pa Tong

Off early back toward Chiang Mai and the last stop on the loop in San Pa Tong.

Not great when we get there, the place seems deserted, what cleaning staff there are seem unable to understand any english. The rooms seem cute enough but we appear to be miles from anywhere. Someone mentions a bar and restaurant “just up the road”, we set off to have a look.

It’s often the case that you have the greatest times when you least expect them isn’t it? This place looked dead and deserted as we wander in. A woman appears..

“Are you open” we say doubtfully”

“ANNNG-Narr” adds Janet

“Yes we’re open” she shouts for someone and her children arrive and start serving us beer.

The place is hard to describe, it’s all wood. Great lumpy timber, a large temple is under construction, pictures and knick knacks are everywhere. As close as I can get is to say it’s like a Thai version of Steptoes front room.

The food is wonderful and cheap as is the beer. We walk around the grounds as we leave with half a dozen bottles for Ron.

It is like a film studio, old cars, carriages, bits of stairway, a couple of huge carved elephants, cases full of amulets for the life of me I can’t figure what the place was supposed to be but I’m bloody glad it was there.

Back at the guesthouse and showered and packed ready to go tomorrow and we sit under the verandah watching bats swoop across the garden as we drink Rons beers and play some cool sounds.

That was Chiang Mai and the Mae Hong Son Loop.

Next stop Chiang Mai airport and Phuket.