Bali

“Hi you two” says Dave as we clear immigration and wonder out of the airport into the clear warm air of Bali. The heaviness of the Kuala Lumpur heat has gone, it’s just wonderfully warm , like the warmest day you’ve ever experienced in Britain.

In a very short time we are reminded why, 12 years ago, of all the places we visited, Bali was the only place we made serious enquiries as to how we could come to live here. Dave and Robyn are living that dream. Their stunning 3 bed 3 bath home complete with swimming pool is in Sanur, just a few minutes walk from the seafront. Like all good guests we have come bearing gifts and I make a mental note of where they are.

Bottle of bubbly?.......... Duty free holdall, Check!

Bottle of Blue saphire Gin?....bottom of Kim’s rucksack, Check!

Bottle of Dark Navy Rum?....bottom of my rucksack, Check!

Large bar of Whittakers Rum and Raisin chocolate? (possibly, no probably .....oh fuck it...the best chocolate I’ve tasted in my life) ..........Top shelf of the fridge back in our hotel in Langkawi, or, most likely, being savoured piece by piece by room maid, I hope her Imam finds out!!

Dave kills a bit of time watering the garden while we unpack, it’s been so long since we’ve been in a home I want to go out and ask him If I can do it, but baulk at the idea of asking him if I can handle his hose. He later tells us he sometimes gardens and swims naked, our room overlooks the pool deck, a number of Billy Birmingham gags about the “cracks opening up at the WACCA” are considered, discarded and scrubbed showered and a change of shirts later we wonder what’s up.....

“We thought you might like dinner overlooking the ocean” says Robyn... “Oh. Did you?” we reply,

“Haven’t you got something near an abattoir?”

Sanur is seriously lovely and the only thing that can improve it are our hosts, we take up where we left off with them back in Saigon and feel instantly comfortable in their company.

David has suggested I join him on his morning “walk” “Ok” I say. Next morning at sparrows fart he races out of the door like a greyhound from the traps being chased by a vet with a large pair of pliers, not only does he want to walk at what’s probably an Olympic record pace he expects me to hold a conversation...

“What about theat bloody Brexit then”

“Hunph.... har.... mff srim”

“Yeah they must be bloody mad:”

“Phrff...huurr....phumf”

“How do you feel about heading out to Lembongan?”

“Scrimf....phu...phu...frim”

And that is why we are now in the Sanghyang Bay beach front restaurant....

Dave and Robyn treat us to a wonderful barbie around the pool and I settle into a routine of walks, gym and back to the pool all by 08:30 which enables me to enjoy copious amounts of Bintang beer....guilt-free.

There is a row of beach front restaurants and bars that line the ocean front and a lot do some live rock or jazz of an evening and we have a couple of great nights out scoffing huge plates of barbequed squid and king prawn while being educated into Cold Chisel by the superb bar band, Crazy horse. David and Robyn are a delight while getting ready to go out. Robyn comes down stairs looking lovely...

“David, does my arse look big in these?”

“Well, you are what you are...it’s too late to change it now”

How he is still alive is beyond me.

Sunday is all you can eat buffet day. It differs from all you can eat buffets in the UK in that nothing appears to have previously been passed through a live dog. At 3am the owner strings a whole pig across a woodfire at the street front. It’s joined by joints of beef, lamb, sausages, chickens, There’s a bewildering assortment of salads and vegetables, it’s an italian owned place so there’s also bolognese, lasagna, a tomato stew and a stunning array of puds. The only problem is how to eat it all. Sat with Dave and Robyn and some of their friends the magic of the place starts to seep into us, we feel absolutely at home, aided by the unfailing friendliness of everyone here. Expats seem to know that they’ve “cracked it” and landed in this place, the locals are probably the friendliest people we’ve come across, hardly anyone will let you pass without a hello, a good morning, a what’s your name, where you from? With a mile wide smile...It’s as if they know something!

Kim and I set off on our own for a nice long walk along the shore front. The scenery is stunning, rollers are crashing over the reef out to sea, and the volcano hunches over it all in a wonderfully scenic way. Mount Agung had a fairly spectacular cough the other night, belching red hot ash onto its’ slopes, since when I compose myself to into what I hope is an artistic pose, preferably with an erection, much to Kim’s confusion, such that, in the event of a pompei like embalming I shall pose a suitably mysterious conundrum for future archaeologists. You might think I’m being dramatic, but near here is Lake Toba, it’s the caldera (Collapsed cone) of a huge volcano responsible for the single largest explosion known to have taken place on earth. It’s estimated it almost caused the extinction of human beings, reducing our population worldwide to 10s of thousands, causing a “genetic bottlekneck” which explains why most humans share such a restricted gene pool and why wazzing on about immigration is well, ...a bit dickish really.

We walk as far along the beach as our legs will take us and settle into The Sands beach front restaurant and bar for a couple of glasses of wine. The tides coming in, washing over the reef and the setting sun sets it all afire. Sunday is kite flying day and the sky is full of birds, dragons, ships, all the shapes that the kite makers of Balis’ arts can muster, families cavort in the surf and some late kite surfers work their miracles...

“So, do you think you could live here?”

“Why the hell wouldn’t you want to?”

Manicures, Footy pals and Birthdays

We’re off to Legian beach, the girls are getting a manicure, David is meeting an aussie footy pal and I will be forced to sit in a beach bar and watch young women attempting to keep their bikinis on in the fierce surf, it’s a nightmare, but someone has to do it. The girls turn up with their sparkling nails to join me. The music in La Plancha beach bar is really a very cool a mix of james brown and jazz funk from the 70s. As the sun sets the staff lay out dozens of bean bags and multi coloured sunbrellas.

Sauntering up the beach into the sunset we happen across a pre-cremation ceremony. Lots of music, singing as a large crowd of mourners approach the ocean they bring ducks and chickens with them, we fear the worst....but no. Our feathered friends are allowed tonskuttle about the beach, they're gathered up and taken with the crowd where they are definately not butchered and served up as pre-cremation nibbles. Theres lots of laughter and celebrations going on which is the way they do it here, which we think is not a bad way to celebrate someone's life and say cheerio, see ya later!

As for us, Kim, Robyn~Lynn and I wonder into a very swish beach club. A bar, a pool full of beautiful people, fancy cocktails, fancy waiters, prices to match! Watching evening fall over the beachfront from across the infinity pool is a real pleasure mind. Having re-mortgaged our house for the first round, the management have decided not to accept a perfectly good liver and kidney for another, so we head for the door. We meet David, his footy mate Glenn and his wife...... David and Glenn are "feeling no pain". Kim and I was going to have a small beer but nothing else will do, we must have more cocktails followed by a bottle of Pink Champagne! Glenn and his missus are real diamonds, straight up folk just like Dave and Robyn Lyn. We have a great natter till its time for them to leave and for us to make our way to a lovely Italian restaurant for dinner. From there it all gets a little blurry!

It’s Robyn~Lynns birthday and we’re going to celebrate in Ubud. Ubud was all about Yo-gar and hummus, now it’s a thriving community packed with shopping and restaurants amid stunning scenery. Jungle, rivers, gorges old style markets the area has it all. The accomodation is really very beautiful, breakfast a wonder, the pool, oasis like, the only distraction? I have an attack of the shits and Kim has a cold....D’oh! Notwithstanding this, dinner at ”The Bridge” is absolutely amazing! fantastic food in amazing surroundings with perfect service. There’s a deck below the restaurant with a bar and we sit overlooking the river valley watching huge bats navigate the trees catching bugs drawn by the lights threaded through the trees. A wonderful evening with amazing company, how lucky can we get?

Back at Dave and Robyn’s villa I go into a shits induced coma and sleep for around 14 hours {what was in those pills Robyn?} Next day Kim and I walk the beach front and watch a stunning kite festival and display. Teams of up to a dozen try to control huge kites which drag them across the open space, shoes dragging in the dust, the kites all have bows that are strung with bands which vibrate, rattle and hum in the wind, the noise is incredible.

We’ve now organised travel to the Gili Islands, Lombok and back along with accomodation to keep us away for the next week......

A couple of 2 hour speed ferry rides into the teeth of a gathering storm, under a volcano that all local experts agree is due a major eruption, all to stay on an island with no roads, the only transport horse drawn carts, we have a hut booked, it comes with ”free beer”.........

What could possibly go wrong?